On people and faith

Well, I haven't written here in a while. But a special-person-with-foots-full-of-glue asks me about it. I've been writing all night in different places. But this one I will also write on. Not only for the special person-with-foots-full-of-glue, but also for the other special people who wonder why am I so lost lately? Not that I will write about that anyway, not here. But my writing pretty much matches my mood.

I remember the last actual entry, was Life Winning Lessons.

The reason I haven't write much, it's because there are times when life starts to happen and I just want to enjoy it and I forget to write. But tonight is an exception because this entry is to celebrate it and the wonders and people of it.

Where to begin is always the hardest part. Especially since I've been writing all day in different places, I forget what I wrote about and whatnot. And what I feel like sharing too. I really should note down the random thoughts I have to be able to write them. But one of them right now is, how funny, that in the end, it all comes to people. Whatever you do, whatever you wish, whatever you want or not, it's all because of someone else. I once denied this myself. Saying I will only work for me, I will work for my happiness because no one can make me as happy as I can. And so I spent a lot of time with only a few friends, not that that has changed. But at least now I know I cannot live without those special spots in people's hearts. In a way, it's true only you can make yourself happy, but on the other hand, that is completely written wrongly. Is not that it's only you, but that it's –starts- with you.

To make people happy, you must be happy. People make, if you make them happy, it's all give and take. And as much as I said when I was little, I won't settle for anyone, in the end, and in reality, if I can, I would. Cause that's what's caring is about. But don't be fooled. If settling means going against your person, then it's wrong. When I say settling, is putting the other person's happiness as a priority because that makes you happier than anything else. And if that other person's priority is also to make you happy, then you become a team and both work for what you wish to achieve. I also find it funny how selfish that is in the end. You make the person happy for your happiness. You cannot escape that. But as long as it's from both sides, then everything is beautiful, even the darkest days.

I know I don't have many friends, and those few I do have I seldom call. I am a very devoted person when it comes to caring for someone, my whole attention focus. And sometimes I feel like neglecting the others. But I also find comfort in the fact that I know, that those others understand me sometimes better than myself. They understand I have a weird way of caring for others, but yet I do. And sometimes they see in me what I cannot see. And it makes me happy to have such people in my life, even when I only talk to them once a month or less. Because well, even if we don't share those daily moments, we do share memories, and that keep us bound. Isn't beautiful when you see two persons, that haven't seen each other for five years, and when they do, it's like they were always together. Nothing changed, only new experience and the opportunity to share them. That's how you know, true friendship is there.

I'm not a talker, but they do know that when I write, it's from my heart. And when I say I love them all and I'm grateful they are part of my memories and my present, they know I mean it. As long as they are ok, it's all I need to know. That's why in a way when someone online says hello and go directly with "hey, wanna be friends?", I get annoyed. Because they think friendship is as easy as that. It takes time and struggles. And well, I know I offend a lot of people when I say that. Every time they ask, "do you like me as your friend?" , "are we friends?", and so on, I honestly answer to them, "No, we just meet." Because there's a difference in knowing someone, and –knowing- someone. I feel the urge to give them a speech on that. But some people just find it annoying.

Once there was this teacher from middle school, who praised mom, because she said I was very selective with my friendships, and I knew who to pick as real friends. I must admit, yes, I was very picky, still am, I don't let anyone that easily into my world. I take pride in saying, whoever meets me; -actually- meet me, is never the same again. And I like to change people's lives for good, just being me. But she was wrong in something, I don't pick them. Friendship, just as love, which comes in that order, just happens. That's the magic of it. You cannot force it, you cannot pick it. You pick it after you feel there's a special connection in some level; some understanding or some interest. After you find that, then you pick, but not the other way around.

Let's put as an example three of those people, two of them I know read this. The first one, Mindy, I know her since middle school, but we didn't become friends till high school. And I was honestly curious about her personality. But being in different classrooms, where people were rivals, made me stay away from them, then in high school friendship happened, just like that. Then there's Xyli, pwety Xyli (yesh you!), same story, university, knew her from distance, wonder about her personality, and then after a while, friendship happened in a click. It was funny, but yea. And then Marya, cause she was the first person that could reach the actual friend status. She went to meet me at home because of my brother, I didn't say a thing and she went away. A month later, they took me out of my house and the rest is history. I always thank her for me being able to express myself more. Because before that I was very quiet. But yea, I could go on with the list and how everyone has played such a big part of my life and shaped me. People change people, it's even better if the common goal is to make happy the other person.

(Sudden subject change, but my thoughts are like that) Because once there's that, the rest can come, life will provide. You start to believe in miracles, you start to see magic and hope for it where there was none. It's a hard thing to do, to believe. Sometimes you wonder about it, you get down, and do your best to get up. Until you find ways to do so, and you understand yourself so well, it's very hard to get you down. Because you know what keeps you happy. But yes, faith is a hard thing at first; I was raised by it, but never had it until later. And when I did, boy did my life changed. Not talking about religion, by the way, that is just not… it. But of actual belief, hope, faith, of the future you cannot see, but you wish to grasp. A future which you might be scared of, but you cannot let that fear blind you and stop you on your way. Is like this fight, where as long as there is faith, you cannot lose.

It's scary, it is, very. But that's the challenge, getting over that. Living to the life you want. Holding onto your wishes, believing they exist somewhere and that soon, it will be at your reach. I've learned that the closer I am to gaining what I want, the tired I get, the sadder I get, the more I want to quit. When you feel that, is when you must stand up and say "NO!". Because it's a challenge you must face with courage. And even if you don't feel courage, fake it. And don't give in. It's all a trick. Magic is happening right now, more than I thought possible, life is funny like that. I just let it happen. I just let it come to me. Make my happiness like this. My dream is still one basic childish dream; my goals are the direction I think is best to take to fulfil them. But I do know that I'm not entitled to only that, and that life can surprise me with unthought-of alternatives to make my dreams come true. You let go of fear and the what-ifs, and you let life take control of what you can. Just do it, it's scary at first, but later on, you see it's the best thing you could ever have done. Cause sometimes that's the only thing you can do, let go and let god. Once I let go of a little red balloon, and everything started to change.

she writes